Consensual Parenting Starts in Infancy
| November 8, 2011 | Posted by Issa under Parenting |
Consent and body autonomy are guiding principles for my parenting. These can seem like big, complex topics that aren’t relevant to a small baby, but it’s important to me to lay the foundation for a consensual relationship with Dylan here in his infancy. In as many ways as possible, I want to give Dylan control over his own life and his own body.
As young as Dylan is, there are many choices I make about his body. There are some things I clearly will do, like vaccinate and treat him for illnesses. There are other things I clearly won’t do, like cut off parts of his body (“circumcise”, if you prefer). I find joy in doing things like protecting his skin from the sun, since I see one of my roles as caretaking his body until he’s old enough to take over.
Another strong component of building our consensual relationship is paying attention to how Dylan communicates. If I am tuned in, he tells me what he likes and doesn’t like, what he wants and doesn’t want. When I’m playing a game with him or singing a song and I see him avert eye contact and turn his body away from me, I don’t turn it up a notch and try to recapture his attention. Instead, it’s time to bring the game or song to an end. When I see him make this one subtle little mouth motion, I know that he’s hungry and I feed him. Every time I am able to understand what he needs and helpfully respond, I show respect for his body, his needs, and his preferences.
In our everyday interactions, I move and manipulate Dylan’s body a lot. I pick him up to move him from room to room, I change his diaper, I dress him, I bathe him, etc. Many of these aren’t entirely optional, but there are three things I do that I consider crucial to building the kind of relationship I want to have with Dylan:
First, I always let him know when I’m about to do something to him. I think it must be really strange to be a baby, intent with some activity, and then unexpectedly whisked into the air by huge hands you never saw coming. Before picking Dylan up, I always get his attention and make sure he notices me.
Second, I give language to the things I’m doing. Whether it’s picking him up, carrying him around, changing his diaper, or whatever, I’m talking the whole time and naming his experience.
Third, I stay flexible about what has to happen, what can wait, and exactly what form things will take. For example, if Dylan has a dirty diaper, I am going to clean him up. But if he’s upset and not wanting a diaper change, I have options. I can consider waiting 5 minutes to see if he changes his mind. I can try to make the experience enjoyable through play. I can only do the clean-up and then leave him naked, cutting the unwanted experience in half. The specific solution doesn’t matter. What matters is that I stay in the moment, conscious of and responsive to Dylan’s needs and desires.
All of these things are small and effortless on my part, but they have a huge payoff in fostering the trusting, cooperative, consensual relationship I want with Dylan.
Tags: Body Autonomy, Communication, Consent, Dylan
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This is great observation and wonderful to read. I’m not a parent, as you know, its all sort of foreign to me. But I have cared for adults who can not speak, or at times move their bodies on their own. (or maybe they could move, but chose a variety of things to do other than what someone would find conveinient.) I would do all of these things, as I tried to respect their bodies and wishes and give them some measure of control and power. I would train staff to do this and I would have to explain OFTEN why it was important that you are not allowed to move someone who clearly did not want to be moved for example. There were times I would be in a parking lot for hours convincing someone to get in a vehicle at the grocery store among other adventures. But I think because I really don’t have much experiance with tiny humans, It never occured to me to communicate this same way. (not that it wouldn’t if I had my own, it most likely would have, I do it with wildlife and other sentient beings.) But this was really enlightening as always so thanx!
Yes, adults who need care from others are another example of people who often don’t get the physical respect they deserve. Kudos to you for helping bring consensuality there, too.
What a lovely post and beautiful photo of the two of you! I love the awareness you bring to parenting, and have no doubt Dylan will be increasingly grateful to have you as his mother as he grows more aware.
Thanks, Leah! :-)
You do everything that I hope I am able to do if I ever become a mother.
That’s sweet. :-)
I have no doubt that you and Joshua will be raising a very well-rounded, well-informed individual!
We’ll see!
It’s a wonderful value to have, and one I try to practice as often as possible. Still, it does seem very strange to hear myself saying things like, “Now, I understand that you do not want a diaper change, but you are poopy, and thus must be changed. Here are some options, but all of them involve getting your butt wiped” to someone whose reasoning just doesn’t work that way yet. (His diaper change routine is ridiculously long and involved.)
Where I get hung up most often is on the matter of physical affection. I’ll ask for hugs and kisses, and respect a no if that’s what I get (which happens, frequently, especially with Libra), but I cannot get any other adult in this household to agree with me on this – his grandparents will apply a guilt trip on my behalf, or if he’s refusing to hug/kiss them, will do it anyway; his father will hug and kiss them after making a game out of it. I find myself wonder if my partner’s approach isn’t the better one, because Libra certainly seems to enjoy the game of “no … no … YES!” and being persuaded to be affectionate. I’m not really comfortable with that, though. It just doesn’t seem like there’s an easy answer. :\
I don’t have the issue with physical affection with Dylan since he’s not really saying no to anyone yet, but I would be upset if other people were doing what you talk about here. Guilt-tripping someone over affection on my behalf would bother me. And making a game out of pursuing physical affection from someone who has said no… yeah, that has some big implications. That being said, I don’t know if I’d make a big deal out of it if those relationships are otherwise good. It would really depend on how the kid seemed to take it and whether there’s a larger context of physical coercion that made me uncomfortable.
See, that’s just it – the relationships are great otherwise, and Libra does love a game, any kind of game. It’s something I’m keeping an eye on, and speaking up about when I feel like I can.
And making a game out of pursuing physical affection from someone who has said no… yeah, that has some big implications.
Yes, this. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that pushing a child’s “no” in response to a request for a hug or a kiss directly translates to increased incidence of rape, but the parallels are too obvious to ignore completely. “Come on, baby, just one kiss! Please? Awww… I just love you so much!”
Exactly. More to the point, though, I want my kids to understand that there is a difference between yes and no: one means yes, and the other means no! None of this “no means maybe” or “no just means ask again.” Even if it didn’t have implications for rape culture, I want them to respect my nos too, instead of continuing to wheedle for whatever thing they want. Cookies for breakfast? Okay! Cookies for every meal of the day? Nope, not happening.
I actually think there’s something much more subtle going on. Let’s face it, no doesn’t actually always mean no, and yes doesn’t always mean yes either. There is a LOT of room in human relationships for consensual negotiation–for collaborating to figure out what works for both of us. And the first answer isn’t always the right answer!
I think that you have to start with a foundation of respect for each others’ autonomy, which is where “no means no” comes from, but if you just stop there, I think you’re missing out. The problem, I think, is that people go right to, “no might mean yes,” and vice versa, without an established foundation of respect for each others’ autonomy first. And that’s why the message of, “no means no,” is so important. Especially for kids, who are still figuring out how the world is supposed to work.