Talk to Strangers
| December 29, 2011 | Posted by Issa under Parenting |
In the bookstore the other day I ran across the children’s board book Being Safe:
Which contained this horrible bit of advice:
The whole “don’t talk to strangers” thing is completely silly. Everyone talks to strangers. When parents go out, we talk to store clerks, postal workers, waitstaff, etc. Kids are usually required by their parents to talk to strangers, too. They have to answer the doctor’s questions, for example, or say thank you to the bank teller for the lollipop. So which strangers are okay to talk to again?
Also, instilling a fear of “strangers” in children can actually make them less safe. For one thing, it restricts their experience in talking with and judging the people they meet. But more importantly, if a child is ever in serious trouble – is separated from a caregiver or is threatened by a “stranger” – who should ou reach out to for help? Probably another stranger! Fear of people leads to nothing except less enjoyment of the world and fewer options when in need.
Leave “don’t talk to strangers” behind. In fact, get busy talking to more strangers! There are a lot of awesome strangers out there with wonderful things to say.
I agree kids have to talk to strangers sometimes, and that can be a good way to learn things. Maybe the book should say, “I do not go anywhere with strangers.”
I think it’s important to put into context how astonishingly rare stranger abduction is. According to the US Department of Justice, in 1999 (that was the year for which I found study data) there were 115 “stereotypical kidnappings,” defined as:
abductions perpetrated by a stranger or slight acquaintance and involving a child who was transported 50 or more miles, detained overnight, held for ransom or with the intent to keep the child permanently, or killed.
There were 58,200 “nonfamily abductions.” Nonfamily abductions include cases like, “stranger lures kid into van with candy and sexually abuses kid before releasing ou,” but those cases are in the vast minority. The majority of nonfamily abductions are things like, “15-year-old’s older boyfriend won’t let her go home from a date until they finish arguing.” The other thing I noticed was that the vast majority of nonfamily abductions involved boyfriends, girlfriends, babysitters, neighbors, and/or other people who would not be considered “strangers” in the “don’t talk to / go with strangers” advice.
Also, in the majority of nonfamily abductions AND stereotypical kidnappings, the victim was a teenager. This does not fit with the image of the crime the parent is trying to mitigate with the “don’t talk to / go with strangers” advice.
The bottom line, as I see it, is that stranger abductions are such an incredibly rare event that they are hardly worth thinking about. Abductions of pre-teen children are even more rare. If a child is going to be abducted and/or molested, it is almost certain to be by a person that he or she knows, and therefore, would normally “go with” and “talk to”. This is not to say that we shouldn’t worry at all about child abduction and molestation–of course–but that the advice, “don’t talk to / go with strangers” isn’t an effective way of addressing that risk.
I forgot to include the source for my stats–sorry:
https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/ojjdp/196467.pdf
That is really interesting information Joshua. I didn’t realize the statistics for child abduction by strangers was so low. And you are right they are hardly worth worrying over.
I myself, think the story is wrong as well. I have some of the most interesting great people by talking to strangers. You never know why these encounters happen, but I like to believe everything happens for a reason and it isn’t always easy to find the reason.
What’s the publication date? Probably a leftover from the 1980s, when stranger danger was all the rage. Right up there with Satanic Panic and crack cocaine.
The data is from 1999, and the publication date was 2002. It was just the first one I found when I searched for “stranger abduction” (or something like that), and it seemed to exactly fit the bill.
I think she was asking about the date of the book. I didn’t check, but I think you’re right that it was probably a bit old. All of the child safety orgs I know of have moved away from the word “stranger” entirely, because the concept is almost completely useless.
/shrug It also fits with the whole made-up stuff to sell products like I think Issa’s written about, in parenting magazines. Baby-proofing, baby vitamins, Baby Einstein, whaaatever. BUY THIS OR YOU ARE A BAD PARENT.
And I mean really, who talks to anybody anymore? I don’t see a phone in the kids hand there, on the cover, so clearly this book is antique.
The book seems completely outdated and I feel the price reflects the quality of its advice. It goes back to allowing your children to try things, like the stairs. If I keep them from experiencing things or do it for them they do not learn how to be confident in themselves and their own abilities.
I recall being 5 and lost at the mall once during Christmas and the “don’t talk to strangers” advice did not work for me. I needed someone to help me get back to my parents!
This always makes me think of all the elders we encounter on our errands, and how I suspect that having a quick chat with a small child is one of the high points of their day.