Wishing for Better Days Than Good Days and Bad Days
| July 11, 2012 | Posted by Issa under Radical Self-Acceptance |
I just started seeing a new therapist this week. I haven’t had a therapist for a couple of years, but I’m not thrilled with how my Zoloft prescription is working. Until I’m done breastfeeding, I don’t want to try anything else, so therapy it is. Since I’ll be talking with someone regularly about the inner workings of my brain, I’ll probably want to share stuff here, too. I get value from reading other depression-related blogs and stories, so I like the idea of adding to mix. Is there anything you want to know about my mental health, mental health in general, or that you want to share about your mental health? This set of topics may become a regular feature here so let me know if you have something in mind.
I have bad days and good days. I used to have bad weeks and good weeks, but Zoloft helps. A bad day does not necessarily become a bad week. A bad week doesn’t become a bad month, and presumably 2008 won’t ever happen again.
Just bad days and good days.
Bad days have two forms. One is where I struggle all day to do something other than be depressed, and this is likely to make me really agitated and angry at myself for my failures. Two is where I give in to the dreariness, and that sucks because I sink so low.
Good days have two forms. One is where I am really hyped up, trying to DO ALL THE THINGS before my mood slips again, and I feel really frantic and like I’m falling further and further behind in a race where I’m unfamiliar with the track. Two is where I call it a good day just because it’s not a bad day. It’s just a day. But any day without the darkness is good.
I wish that I didn’t wake up in the morning wondering what kind of day it would be. I wish I didn’t go to sleep at night kind of afraid of how the next day will go. I wish I could better predict myself. I wish my days were more the same as each other instead of this awkward shuffle-step between different degrees of dissatisfaction.
I too have these times. Maybe a bit less so than what you describe but I do get so frustrated with myself when I’m inexplicably sad or angry. What is causing it? No clue. I’m a fixer and it annoys/pisses me off when I can’t fix MYSELF!!!
Therapy has been transformational for me although I understand it doesn’t work for everyone and it does take a while to notice effects. Understanding where my dark feelings come from has helped so much to cope and be easy on myself if I’m not able to do what I want to do. That isn’t to say I don’t feel it, but it is easier now to allow myself to hang out with it and take the time I need. This was especially hard for me because I had been taught at an early age to “suck it up.”
The time I need has also gotten less over the years. I wish I could find this comic I saw one time…it depicts a monster and a person sitting together watching tv as friends. So rather than the shadow interfering, the person has made friends with the shadow and they are just taking time to hang.
“I wish that I didn’t wake up in the morning wondering what kind of day it would be. I wish I didn’t go to sleep at night kind of afraid of how the next day will go.”
This, all the time for me.
I’m starting therapy/drugs for my anxiety soon. I hope yours goes well, and that things start to be a bit better.
Also – that comic is ENTIRELY accurate about my anxiety. Powerfully so.
What you say here is about exactly how I feel. I measure my days on how much I do/want to do. On a “good” day I clean, write, garden, and work on projects. I feel alive, powerful, useful and worthwhile.
On an not bad day, I keep a list, put on timers and do what I have to do, but I don’t have this great sense of accomplishment. I still fill like a worthwhile person.
On sort of bad days I feel a little ashamed. I am not sick so why am I doing things so slow? Why am I so behind all the time? why am a not doing anything with my life? On days like this I push as hard as I can and I feel like crap about it. Because my best is never enough to make up for my failure. I am mostly worthwhile, just not on peak. I can still see the things I am good at, I can still understand my value.
On really bad days I feel broken. Like a toy robot who’s batteries have fallen out. I will lay on couch or bed and think “Sit up, Sit up, SIT UP!!!” and my body does nothing. I know my body is not really frozen, but it feels that way. The easiest things are so hard. On days like this I feel real worthless. I take up space, I eat food, I breath air, but I don’t accomplish anything. I am a vicious parasite.
These really bad days the only days when I feel lonely. I spend a lot of time alone, I like alone. But on the really bad days I so much want someone to talk to, to want to be near me (I don’t know if I actually want them to be here, that might be horrible) but I want to be wanted. I want other people to tell me “You have value because (enter thing I do/am). On days like that I become obsessed with checking email and posting stuff. Other peoples friendships make me mad. Other people success makes me hate myself more. So, being on social sites is about the worst thing I could do. But I do it anyway. Maybe self punishment.
Oh! I do the “sit up! sit up! SIT UP!” thing, too. I feel like a lead lump. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. It’s like some kind of weird nightmare where my thoughts are racing and trying to get out but I just can’t move. It feels really stupid.
I don’t want to reach out to people when I’m low. I mostly want to disappear and not exist. I know what you mean about other people making you mad, though. When I feel like that and Joshua goes outside to work in the garden or the barn, I am so angry at him for being able to do things. I get really mad at the sunlight, too, because it’s outside mocking me.
I have been battling depression and anxiety on my own without drugs for most of my life. I’ve had some therapy. I’m not sure if I am scared to try the drugs or not, but there are times (the bad weeks/ months) that I really want to try something else and not just work through it on my own. A lack of insurance keeps me working on it as a DIY project.
Cameron and Tim help lots with my anxiety and depression, but its not their job, and I can only imagine its confusing and frustrating for them at times. With cameron, he knows the spiral downhill so well, he has at the ready: comic videos, cute animal pictures, and much distraction and a good hug, and I will even be able to ask, “Tell me something nice.” – and he will come up with something out of that day that is positive to look at.
I read a lot of self help books, I write a lot, sometimes I draw or doodle or sleep it off or go garden if I can. Having animals and plants depend on me helps loads because it makes me get up and do stuff when I feel frantic or listless.
This year is much better than last year. Last year was maybe my worst year for depression. I’ve changed a lot of my relationships and circumstances to help try and prevent it, but I still get mad when there is no reason and I just feel awful.
Thank you for sharing, reading about other’s and the comments about this helps loads. :)
This is my experience, too. The pigs, sheep, chickens, ducks… and now Dylan, too. Having beings who depend on me keeps me going, keeps me in a rhythm of care that’s really helpful to my state of mind.