Okay, Parenting Is Hard
| August 20, 2012 | Posted by Issa under Parenting |
When I see a less-than-ideal interaction between a parent and child, I can see the parent’s perspective, and I know that the parent deserves compassion.
Kids are trying sometimes. Navigating our isolationist, kid-hating, parent-hating culture with kids can be extraordinarily difficult. Enduring the watchful public with a screaming baby or toddler is misery. Trying to coax socially approved behavior from a tween with an audience is a complex feat.
Navigating our isolationist, kid-hating, parent-hating culture with kids can be extraordinarily difficult. (Click to tweet)
Add to all of that the reality that parents have the same moods and trials other people do on top of the parenting that never stops. So maybe you have the screaming baby AND you’re sick as a dog. You have a defiant eye-roller in the middle of the grocery store when you ALREADY dealt with a bitchy boss for 8 hours today. You’re cold. You’re tired. You’re hungry. You’re frantically busy. You’re anxious. You’re depressed.
And then it’s not like this parenting thing makes a lot of sense all the time. Expert advice swings wildly between extremes. You and your partner and your doctors and your relatives all disagree on the right things to do. You know it’s somehow all your fault if your kids don’t turn out perfect, and goddamn that’s a lot of pressure.
And on top of everything, all the time, is that unrelenting NEED that kids have. They need so much time, so much energy, so much attention, so much touch, so so much need, and so much of it is really just a need for YOU. They need and want and demand and pull, pull, pull from you and sometimes you just want to break from the all-encompassing need.
So good grief, it’s really completely understandable that you got a little snippy in the grocery store or didn’t touch your child with perfect gentleness or lost your shit over the spilled drink or told your kid to just fucking shut up already the 87th the kid asked, “Why?”
I understand. I get it. I know what it’s like to feel judged in public, too, so I know how much it sucks to know that whatever you’re doing, someone thinks you’re doing it wrong.
This parenting thing, especially parenting in public, is hard.
Hope things are going well, mama. I never paid much attention to the, “it takes a village,” crap until i became a parent. Before, i think i simply tolerated (not all that well, admittedly) screaming or hyper or fighting, etc kids in public. Now, i like that i understand what a parent feels when s/he is dealing with a trying child in public. I try to be mindful to make sure of 2 things: i don’t simply ignore what’s going on AND my reaction helps somehow.
Yes! Parenting is hard, especially in public. I’ve just stopped making eye contact with the public and I figure if I can put up with them than they can put up with me and my child! I’ve put up with all kinds of bad behavior from adults. At least my child has an excuse…she’s only two.
Agreed. I especially am frustrated when I have little sleep and Dylan is having a problem and he can’t vocalize it other than through screaming. Once we get past that, he can calm down enough to let me know, he’s hungry, thirsty, his tummy hurts, or he needs a diaper change…sometimes we can’t even get there though!
Lately my Dylan has ramped up the general purpose whine-scream, and I’ve been having a hard time interpreting his needs. I’ve had to go back to the infant checklist: check his diaper, offer the boob, is he hurt, tired, hungry…? I’m looking forward to language.
My Dylan is going to be 2 on Thursday…quit the boob of his own accord back in January…boy do I miss it. And, he’s stubborn as hell so he doesn’t want to use words I know he can use. Last night was a doozy…pretty sure it was an upset stomach. And, while it’s not in public we sleep with all our windows open right now and I know my neighbors can hear him. They tell me not to worry about them and that they are concerned for us and him but it still embarrasses/frustrates me :)
Oh… I hadn’t thought of that yet! We just turned off the A/C and opened our windows last night. I’m already self-conscious when Dylan gets upset when we’re outside… Yeah, I’ll probably worry about it now when we’re inside, too. Ah well. I hear their dogs bark sometimes, they can hear my baby cry sometimes. I’ll try to remind myself of that.
Don’t worry so much. I’m sure you do the best you can to keep him happy. Baby and animal noises are part of life, especially on a farm. I’m sure they can hardly hear him (if at all) anyways. And if they do hear him, maybe they don’t mind at all. ♥
I feel this way, too – that noises are a part of life. The rooster, the sheep, the neighbor’s dog, the noisy A/C, the tractor, the chainsaw, the baby… we have so many noises in our neighborhood, and I love them all. No reason to think the neighbors don’t love them, too. Actually, our across the street neighbors have said they like the sound of the rooster, and he is LOUD! :-)
Oh my gosh! I’m so glad someone else gets it. I don’t understand why people- those without children and, even worse, those with children- don’t just come out & with it & get real. Parenting is not for the weak-willed or feint of heart. We not only have to deal with our own crap, but our kids’ crap AND the judgmental stares & comments of others. Thank you for your post.
I have to admit I make judgmental comments, too. Not in person – I am as helpful as I can be with troubled parents and kids in public. I do have some snarky words to say online, though. But, I did want to write this post to get it out there that I truly do understand. There’s so little support for parents in our culture.
I’m not really with you on this one.
When Fin is throwing a tantrum in the grocery store, I choose to believe that other parents are looking at me with sympathy and maybe even humor. I guess that’s because that’s how I usually feel when I see other kids throwing tantrums. As long as I am trying my best to calm him, I’m not embarrassed. I may take him out of the situation (like in a restaurant or concert) but that is as much for his benefit as it is for the other people.
Yes, parents deserve compassion. Yes, parenting can be challenging, and people are judgmental. I still agree with your earlier post that there is no excuse for being mean. People can judge all they want, but I would only feel ashamed if I was disrespecting/abusing my child.
Also, remember being a baby/toddler/child/tween/teen is challenging and deserving of compassion too. Maybe more so.
I agree with my other post, too. I’m working on a post for next week to tie that one and this one together.
“kid-hating, parent-hating culture”
Wow. I have belonged to childfree organizations for YEARS and one thing we all agree on is how hard it is to be childfree in a pro-natalist, pro-parent, pro-child culture. It’s astounding how we see things so differently.
I’d imagine the truth is somewhere in the middle.
Jo,
I’d say that there is probably enough hate to go around for everybody. The answer, IMO, is not “somewhere in the middle.” It’s more that both groups who feel persecuted are probably right. Anybody who does not toe a relatively narrow line is immediately set upon. So people who want to be childfree? HATE! People who have kids and are too permissive with them, or not permissive enough, or take them out in public too much, or keep them in too much… HATE! Plenty of hate for everybody! Except the archetypal 2.4 kids cis-hetero middle-aged middle-class Caucasian family. No hate for them.