What IS Fat-Hate Anyway?
| October 5, 2012 | Posted by Issa under Radical Self-Acceptance |
I have become pretty intolerant of anti-fat sentiments and the anti-fat arguments I’ve heard over and over again. I say snarky things when I hear them in person, I jump in fighting when I read them online, and I shut things down entirely when they are made in my own spaces, like this blog. I sometimes call myself a fat activist, but activist suggests some sort of altruism. It’s not about the social good; it’s just about defending my own life. I’m not a fat activist; I’m just a fat person.
I sometimes refer to the comments and arguments I disagree with as “fat-hate”. But most of the people I talk to don’t hate fat people. I hung out with some people just this past weekend who have said some of these things, but they definitely don’t hate me. We’re friends. So “fat-hate” doesn’t quite work as a description for their opinions. Fatphobia is another term I’ve heard, but it has a similar problem. Most people would say they aren’t afraid of fat people.
Fat-hate and fatphobia are both a bit of shorthand. They mean something like, “the attitudes, assumptions, and opinions that contribute to stigma towards, disapproval of, and bias against fat people.” Bias, stigma, and disapproval all sound really detached. The truth is that a great many people really do fucking hate fat people. A great many people really are afraid of fat people. They are afraid to stand near us, afraid for their children to see us, afraid that we’re coming for their tax dollars, eating all their food, and somehow going to get our disgusting all over them.
It doesn’t matter if you think your anti-fat sentiment is perfectly rational and besides, you don’t have anything against fat people personally. It is personal. I can’t escape how personal it is because we are talking about my body. I won’t let you get away with acting like it’s impersonal, either.
But I do sympathize. Not everyone I talk to has done as much thinking on this topic as I have. And then that shorthand comes out, and it can get kind of confusingly aggressive. I get tired of the same conversations and sometimes give a shrill accusation – “That’s fat hate!” instead of a measured rebuttal. And the other person has a reaction something like, “What the fuck did I say?” or maybe ou just thinks I’m a weirdo and leaves it at that.
I’m willing to put some work in to clarify this issue and to expand on this shorthand.
What do I mean by fat-hate?
Over the next few days, I’m going to try to list out as many things as I can think of. If you can think of some things that ought to make the list, let me know in the comments. On the topic of fat people, if you’ve ever wondered, “I wonder if I should say that,” drop that in a comment here, too. If you’ve heard me freak out on someone and wondered what was wrong with what they said, let me know. I’ll work it all into a big post on things to give up on if you are committed to making the world a safe place for fat people.
How about “He got fat”….as a way to make oneself feel better about not dating a particular person anymore. On the surface, it’s just an observational comment, but there’s obviously so much more going on. Also, it’s apparently not about you, the listener, but about some other person, and yet, if you happen to be fat, it’s going to be a terrible thing to hear said.
Another good topic to discuss is fat-hate done by fat people themselves, even subtly. It’s all about participating in the common culture, reinforcing common stories. A fat relative of mine recently talked about how “disappointing” it was to see someone he knew regain all the weight they’d lost.
Yes! I’ve seen the “he got fat” one happen right in front of me. Sure, in some hypothetical world, this could just be a statement of fact absent any cultural significance. I heard it said with a kind of GLEE, like fat was something that had been inflicted on the evil ex – he got what he deserved sort of thing. Yuck.
The one that bugs me the most is “diet talk,” or the constant justifying of food choices. “oh, I can have this cupcake, I deserve it, I worked out,” as if people who don’t work out don’t “deserve” tasty treats. Or the “No, I was bad for lunch so I’m having a salad,” as if they have to punish themselves for eating tasty food.
This makes me lose my ever loving mind. “I deserve it” or “I was bad” make me actually start spitting nails.
Ooh, good one. That language is so pervasive! I’ll bet most people just think of it as “the way we talk about food”, not as always having anything in particular to do with weight or with fat people.
Maybe fat-hate and/or fat-phobia is really a person’s way of saying they are afraid of becoming fat themselves. They are projecting their issues onto the person they perceive as being what they are afraid of becoming?
Jay Smooth did an amazing video a few years ago about how to deal with racism. He said that when you call someone a racist, the conversation effectively ends, because the person you called a racist does not believe they are, and now is mad that you called them a name or labelled them in some way.
He says the better way, and the way that inspires conversation and dialogue, is to say “You said a racist thing” or “what you said was racist or could be perceived as racist”. This immediately makes the the thing they said the problem, and not the person. When you explain to someone about how the thing they said could be perceived as racist (or fat phobic or whatever), they might actually listen to the rest of what you have to say and learn something in the process.
When I was new to fat acceptance, I was annoyed at how MAD everyone on the boards seemed to be, and how they jumped on you if you said the wrong thing or implied the wrong thing. It’s hard to lose a lifetime of conditioning. I’m surprised I ever got interested in the subject at all, considering how vitriolic some in the fat acceptance community are. I still don’t care for those conversations, especially the ones where there fat person (or fat advocate) just shut down the conversation. It’s not easy educating and re-educating people, but I think it’s necessary to make fat phobia/hatred/intolerance/bias less of a problem in our lives.
There are (at least) two kinds of speech going on in these cases. One is the kind where you’re trying to tell the other person something. If you really want to communicate to them about the topic at hand, yeah, shouting “racist” or “fat-hate” at them is probably not too useful. Or listing all the ways they flubbed an argument or used the wrong terms. I engage in those conversations a lot where I think I manage a remarkable amount of “cool” in what could be a heated argument. On the other hand, sometimes what’s happening is more like self-defense. You just need to protect yourself against the harmful ideas coming from the other person, and if calling them names or labeling the harmful ideas is what works for you in the moment, then go for it. It is sometimes more important to be self-protective than to worry about the sensibilities of the other person.
Also (sorry I’m spamming your comments section) this is slightly unrelated but slightly related… I wanted to share it with you and here is as good a place as any!
Every year I watch the British show “Strictly Come Dancing” (like Dancing with the Stars) and there are usually some fat soap stars or a fat joke contender. A few years back they had Anne Widdecombe: a sixty-something former Thatcher-era Tory MP with enormous boobs, short and stout and couldn’t dance at all. The British press is merciless and they are KNOWN for being the “chubbers” and not taken seriously as contenders. The tabloids rake them over the coals.
So this year’s is Lisa Riley, some soap star from a show called Emmerdale, and she wound up top of the leaderboard, the judges and crowd loved her and she’s so happy in her own skin. It was DELIGHTFUL to watch. I wish I had a full clip including judges comments but here’s her dance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8phFucMuELo&feature=channel&list=UL — I just wanted to share it because it’s such a joy to watch. And she’s fat and they kept her head in the frame. ;)
I think the most insidious one is the one I have a hard time with in my life, and don’t have a good answer for. That’s the one that starts with “I’m concerned about you/your health.” Not really fat “hate” exactly, which is why it’s hard to respond to.
The whole fat/health thing may need its own post. It’s a real minefield!
When people are surprised at something a fat person can do. Like sometimes I get a shocked look and someone says “wow, you are a good dancer” like for some reason they had though about me dancing before and decided it was unlikely that I would be able to.
Or fat people who do yoga or some other sport.
Good one!
Whether you think a person’s weight is a “choice” or not, the debate will go on forever. But there will NEVER be any question, that being a jerk is a choice.
At my husband’s former job, his regional manager had never met me, and knew NOTHING about me.
He saw me through his office window, and proceeded to laugh and make derogatory comments.
He asked my husband “How can you stand to be married to a fat pig woman?” He eventually fired him, and cited that as one of the reasons.
We had no recourse whatsoever. There is no law prohibiting employment discrimination based on weight. Had he made a racial slur, for example, we could have taken legal action.
What a shame, that this man has two children, who are being taught that this behavior is appropriate and acceptable. And what an even bigger shame that he professes to be a “christian.”
Would a fat activist be a activist that happens to be fat? or an activist fighting for fat rights?
I am both.