A Woman’s World Is Full of Shit

 

Got this snapshot of marketing absurdity at Walmart the other day. Let’s break it down.

  • “Lose 42 pounds drinking coffee.” What if I already drink coffee? Can I lose 42 pounds by drinking more? What if coffee is disgusting (which I find it to be)? Is it worth it?
  • “Add this stir-in to melt fat?” Where will the melted fat go? I’m afraid it will fall out my asshole, in which case I’d rather just keep my 42 pounds. Besides, I’m “obese”, and if I lose 42 pounds I’ll still be “obese”.
  • “Breast protection in your Bloody Mary.” Well, at least we’re drinking! How many calories are in a Bloody Mary, and how much coffee do I have to drink to counteract it? I sense a lot of peeing in my future.
  • “Olympic ‘performance enhancing’ energy berry.” Um, doesn’t “performance enhancing” usually refer to erections? I don’t think getting an erection is going to help me get to the Olympics. Besides, the real Olympic performers are getting the good drugs. Fuck berries. I’m going to need some testosterone, some amphetamine, some weird shit you’ve never heard of, and some blood transfusions. And coffee.
  • “Happy stress-free holidays!” I’m not sure how I’m going to manage that while drinking 42 pounds of coffee, staying drunk on Bloody Marys and winning the Olympics. Oh, nevermind, I see now. Cupcakes! Yes, it all makes sense.

Comments

  1. Cupcakes are the answer to everything. :)

  2. Gotta love the Insomnia Cure plug right above the headline about Coffee Weight Loss. My body’s giving me that Dude, Seriously? look right now.

  3. Awesome post. So true on all of these. I ask a lot of similar questions when I read vitamin labels. I’m missing a bit of cartiledge in my knee and the joint health ones make me ragey. “Shown to rebuild cartiledge in sharks”, great for the sharks, I am not a shark.

  4. Thank you for making me laugh!

  5. Thank you so much for this, I actually snorted tea out my nose laughing at it! You have just summed up exactly why I don’t bother with ‘women’s magazines’

  6. I never read “women’s magazines” but I get a laugh out of the covers. How to lose a zillion pounds overnight is the headline next to a recipe for the best chocolate cake ever. Has made me crazy for many years.

  7. Elizabeth Patch does great satire women’s mag covers. They make less sense but are much more fun!

  8. Sharon M. says:

    It’s sad too, because years ago that was a decent magazine. They had interesting human interest type stories, and even had a feature that would help readers find long lost friends and family.

  9. Posts like this one always crack me up :)

    I’ll bet the cupcakes aren’t stress-free. I’ll bet there’s a fucking recipe with explicit instructions on how to decorate them and you’re meant to make a giant batch for all the family coming to visit.

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