Got this snapshot of marketing absurdity at Walmart the other day. Let’s break it down.
- “Lose 42 pounds drinking coffee.” What if I already drink coffee? Can I lose 42 pounds by drinking more? What if coffee is disgusting (which I find it to be)? Is it worth it?
- “Add this stir-in to melt fat?” Where will the melted fat go? I’m afraid it will fall out my asshole, in which case I’d rather just keep my 42 pounds. Besides, I’m “obese”, and if I lose 42 pounds I’ll still be “obese”.
- “Breast protection in your Bloody Mary.” Well, at least we’re drinking! How many calories are in a Bloody Mary, and how much coffee do I have to drink to counteract it? I sense a lot of peeing in my future.
- “Olympic ‘performance enhancing’ energy berry.” Um, doesn’t “performance enhancing” usually refer to erections? I don’t think getting an erection is going to help me get to the Olympics. Besides, the real Olympic performers are getting the good drugs. Fuck berries. I’m going to need some testosterone, some amphetamine, some weird shit you’ve never heard of, and some blood transfusions. And coffee.
- “Happy stress-free holidays!” I’m not sure how I’m going to manage that while drinking 42 pounds of coffee, staying drunk on Bloody Marys and winning the Olympics. Oh, nevermind, I see now. Cupcakes! Yes, it all makes sense.