Joshua and I hang out with people who are educated about pregnancy and birth and we’re pretty well educated ourselves. We’re also snarky assholes. Since I’m going to a mainstream OB practice for at least the next couple of months, we’re going to get plenty of information that’s oh so snarkable.
My first appointment involved the ultrasound (yay!), getting the list of things I’m no longer allowed to do, and getting the sales brochure for Early Screen, a screening test I can get at my next appointment.
I expected to be annoyed at the list of things I can’t do, but it was pretty straightforward. There are a couple of things on there I’ll be ignoring, but it’s nothing too extreme. I wonder about the things that are not on the list. I mean, the list is written for average people, which in many ways I am not. For example, pregnant women aren’t supposed to change the cat litter. But I eat after my cat. Is that allowed? (Basically, if I’m eating something, Basement Cat wants to eat it, too. I usually don’t turn her away.) I don’t ask my doctor these things, though. The whole practice already thinks I’m really weird.
So, the last thing was the brochure for Early Screen. The lady who took me to the room gave me the brochure, and then when the doctor came in she wanted to know if I’d made up my mind. When she asked this, I looked at her like she was an idiot and said, “I cannot possibly decide on this just from looking at the brochure for two minutes.” She said that was fine, they’d go ahead and schedule it and I could cancel it later if I wanted to.
Joshua and I looked at the brochure at home. Make no mistake – it was a sales pitch. It said what it tested for – Trisomy 21, 18, and 13, and then there was the scary box explaining that these are bad. Then the brochure talks about who should be offered Early Screen, which is everyone under 35. Then there are some percentages to tell you how effective the test is at identifying certain things.
Then Joshua asked me a very basic question – “What is the false positive rate?” I looked… not on the brochure. That’s kind of important information to have. So then we started making fun of the brochure. I was reading the claims in my announcer voice, being sure to mention the company names frequently. Then Joshua started tearing it up and rearranging it.
He pointed out the main graphic across the top of the brochure was a pregnant belly, then some testing, then baby! That’s really all you need to know, right!? Gag.
I mentioned to Joshua the other day that I had ordered a couple of free subscriptions to pregnancy/baby magazines. He said (sarcastically), “Are you hoping to learn information that will help you with your pregnancy?” No. “Are you wanting to learn about baby products you can buy?” No. “Are you looking for things to make fun of for blog posts?” Ding, ding, ding!
Every time I run into the “normal” word on topics of pregnancy, birth, and parenting, I feel really weird. Or more accurately, I think everyone else is really weird. You can expect to hear more and more about it the pregnant-er I get.