I haven’t made a pregnancy update in 5 weeks, and I don’t feel like making one now. I feel some sort of obligation to, though, both because I know that other people want to hear about it and because it’s probably good for me to have a record. So here it goes.
I pretty much hate being pregnant. Well, maybe it’s not really hate, but I find the whole process obnoxious as hell. I don’t really care much about pregnancy and birthing. I never really longed for those things – I just want a kid! But, this is the means to the end, and here I am.
It seems like everything that can go wrong with this whole pregnancy thing has gone wrong. From all the conception problems – PCOS, hypothyroidism, a thrombophilia, miscarriages – to the new things popping up like my blood sugar, it’s all extremely annoying. I even get things I’ve never heard of. Like Raynaud’s Phenomenon of the nipple. What the fuck? I will never again use the words “stabbing pain” to describe something that doesn’t feel like I’m literally being repetitively stabbed with a knife, because that’s what the Raynaud’s feels like. I’ve also got a touch of carpel tunnel. Because, you know, why not? So I’m a little anxious about the next 4 months. Because apparently I’m just running the gauntlet of weird physical pregnancy shit, and I’m worried about what’s next. About the only pregnancy malady I can’t get is Restless Leg Syndrome, because I’ve already had that since childhood. So there!
And I’m depressed. It’s manageable, but just barely. It takes a lot of mental juggling on my part and a heroic amount of support from Joshua to keep me emotionally level.
I think I would feel much better about the whole thing if I actually felt pregnant. I’m kind of in second-trimester limbo, though. Yeah, my belly got bigger, but it’s not that big. My boobs aren’t sore anymore. I don’t feel movement inside. Frankly, I’m not really convinced that I’m pregnant. I mean, yes, I know I’m pregnant. I just wish I had something to show for it, I guess. I think I will feel much better when I can feel motion in there, because then I’ll be convinced that there’s a reason for all this nonsense. Until then, and maybe until there’s a live baby in my arms, I’m just not convinced that this is going anywhere useful.
There is one really funny thing to me. I keep reading blog posts from all these women who hate their fat pregnant bodies. One blogger that I follow on Twitter was talking about asking her husband to reassure her that she isn’t starting to look fat or isn’t gaining too much weight. I’m kind of doing the opposite. I look at my belly every day hopefully trying to discern if it’s getting bigger. I demand that Joshua reassure me that my belly has gotten bigger. In the same way that other women’s partners get to condescendingly reassure, “You don’t look fat, honey,” Joshua has taken to condescendingly reassuring me, “Your belly is HUGE!” I find it pretty amusing.
Anyway, there ya go. I feel some sort of responsibility as a blogger to share ups AND downs. I don’t want to present a false image on the screen of what’s actually happening in my life. So in the interest of honesty, there’s my generally depressing pregnancy update.