Finding a Place for Myself as an Introvert
Some people might be surprised to hear me call myself an introvert. Face-to-face you might be surprised at how loud and in the middle of things I can sometimes get. It has a serious emotional cost for me, and after big social situations I will have to retreat, sometimes for days, sometimes with emotional suffering to show for it.
Online is different. I might seem more outgoing, but fortunately there isn’t a big cost. I value my online relating so much for this reason. I can be “out there” the way that I want to be and not suffer too much for it.
I found a great comic illustrating the different energetic needs of introverts, from*SVeidt on DeviantArt, Dr. Carmella’s Guide to Understanding the Introverted! Go look! I’ve surely been an introvert my whole life (except for the ecstacy-fueled anomaly of 2005) , but nevertheless, this comic helped me realize that while other people get charged up by social encounters, I get drained by them and need to recharge on my own.
After moving to Knoxville, Joshua and I would frequently make trips to socialize with our friends in Atlanta. I was progressively irritated by these trips. The social interactions were just too overwhelming. Some of my friends made valiant efforts to make me more comfortable, including providing me with a car to escape a party if I needed to.
What I came to see is that even with those efforts, it doesn’t work for me. If I think of the two possible spaces as Social and Alone, it doesn’t work for me to be living in Social and take a break at Alone. I need to live at Alone, and make brief visits to Social. Being alone is where I get my energy and my safety, and I need to feel like that is always, limitlessly available.
It’s only been fairly recently that I’ve identified that touch doesn’t comfort me. I never, ever want hugs or other touches to help me feel better when I am having a strong negative emotion. In fact, people who try to give me touches during those times actually make things worse for me. I either have to spend energy deflecting the touch or I have to shift over into giving mode – giving you the touch you apparently want from me – which keeps me from taking care of myself.
It often seems like being extroverted is more socially valued than being introverted. The online world really evens that out, I think. Online, no one is trying to touch me, no one is talking loud or fast in a way that’s hard to follow, and whenever something is asked of me I can respond in my own sweet time.
Acknowledging that I am an introvert and care-taking that aspect of myself is an important part of my self-acceptance.
Issa is a wild and rebellious mama who wants to live a carefree life where that little anxious voice is put on mute. How about you? As a writer she feels successful if just one other person feels any comfort or inspiration from what she’s written.
I feel like “extrovert” is kind of like a costume I put on. I know how to be pleasing to other in public. I can smile and tell lots of jokes. I can laugh and touch, but all of this feels like something pulled down on top of me. Like a full body condom or being in a play. I am there, but inside, sort of apart from it all. Sometimes I say or do things when I am wearing the “extrovert” suit and the me inside is like “really? that is what you are going to do now?”
It is not like two different people, I want to clear on that. I am me, I am aware. But I am play acting. I did not learn to do this until my late teens and I have gotten much better at it over the years. Afterwards I feel so tired and emotional.
Bigger groups are more work, and take a bigger toll emotionally.
One weird thing. If I go to a social thing, and either there are to many people, or it is to loud to talk, or maybe I am just not on my game and people don’t laugh at my jokes or I don’t get the correct type/level of attention I feel the worst. It is like playing to a tough crowd. If I can’t do it right, I would rather not do it.
I guess I am saying I would rather be alone, but if I have to be with people than they better be be entertained and memorized by my charms.
Ha, I love this. I identify with the tough crowd thing and the extrovert suit. But if the crowd doesn’t properly respond or I flop my role… yeah, that sucks even more. Might as well throw rotten tomatoes at me.
I think you’re right that extroversion is often more valued, but I’d argue it depends on context. I’ve been accused of not being self-sufficient because talking to someone else helps me sort out my thoughts or touch helps me calm down. I find the birthy world to be weird about it, too. The expectation seems to be that everyone is an introverted birther. Why would I be an introverted anything?
You and I are very the opposite, in this respect :) I really struggle with getting my crazy thoughts beat back when I’m alone. I can do it, but it’s so much harder! Hell, the way I usually do it is talking to myself outloud (substituting for another person to talk to) or wrapping myself up in the fetal position with my own arms and rocking (simulating being held). When I’m not alone, and have someone close enough that I can just ask for a hug, that physical pressure of being held feels like it contains all my thoughts neatly and makes them make sense again, even without talking! It’s like magic.
I sometimes wonder how much of a spectrum this all is. Do you ever feel more extroverted or nourished by it? I know I definitely feel way more introverted when I’m under significant stress. This year is a prime example. The idea of moving around the party having conversations with strangers mostly sounds exhausting to me, but I’m aware that’s a symptom of how much “work” just holding up my life feels like, right now.
I enjoyed reading this post. Thanks for writing it!
I only feel extroverted when something external is driving it (like intoxication). Or in rare emotional states like limerance.
That comic is so spot-on! I am also an introvert and even went on a silent weekend retreat at a monastery once. I know how to put on the “game face” with new people, but afterwards I am exhausted. However, I’ve found that the more I get to know someone, the less they drain me. So I just don’t have many friends, and that’s A-okay with me!
“I never, ever want hugs or other touches to help me feel better when I am having a strong negative emotion. In fact, people who try to give me touches during those times actually make things worse for me. I either have to spend energy deflecting the touch or I have to shift over into giving mode – giving you the touch you apparently want from me – which keeps me from taking care of myself.”
This. THIS. THIS! I used to think of myself as an extrovert, as someone who wanted to be part of a large tribe, who wanted to be constantly in the presence of others. When I’m on, buddy, I am ON, but it wasn’t until the last year that I realized that was forced action on my part. I don’t really like big gatherings of people, it makes me feel self-conscious and conspicuous in a way that takes great effort to overcome. It’s nearly impossible to overcome when I am upset or emotional without creating a feeling of guilt or failure.
I have gotten better about being able to express “Please don’t interact right now” with the people I am closest to, but anywhere social and I clam up and can’t articulate clearly what I need or how I feel.
It’s an interesting journey to realign my internal view of myself to what actually makes me happy/comfortable. I prefer to be at home, with my pets and my crafts and my partner and I am trying to learn and accept that not being an extrovert doesn’t make me LESS.
I am an ENFP. It’s a rare one, but not so rare that I haven’t bumped into other ENFPs. Unlike most extroverts, this type needs time alone to make sense of feelings. I feel more complete around people, but I do have to offset it with time to withdraw or I don’t feel centered. It’s a daily thing for me. When I come home from work I need about two hours of quiet time before I feel like I can take on anything else. I have to pace myself, otherwise I begin to dread doing the things I love. When I’m with a lot of people whether its a party, the movies or theatre, I need one person to anchor with. When I’m out by myself, I sometimes have to take breaks when I get overwhelmed or do some kind of movement like dance to center. Personality and how a person interacts is a little more complicated than the extrovert/introvert component as is personality testing itself. Never try to figure out a personality by an online quiz. Those things are too abbreviated to identify personality accurately.