Lose Weight Effortlessly By Eating Irresponsible Advice

 

This is a pic of a sign I found in the pharmacy at my Kroger. The PHARMACY. You know. The place staffed by MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS who ought to fucking know better.

The sign starts out by saying, “No Need to Cheat Lose Weight Almost Effortlessly by Eating These 20 Slimming Foods”. Anyone who talks about losing weight effortlessly is an asshole. Period.

What are these magic 20 foods? The ones that I will eat and then somehow turn into a skinny person?

They are bananas, beans, cereals, chocolate, coffee, cottage cheese, fish, grapefruit, chili peppers, lean meat, lentils, less alcohol, milk, nuts, oats, soup, water, and yogurt.

Sorry to break it to you, but with the exception of lentils and coffee I already eat all of these. Where is this effortless slimming? What a bunch of bullshit.

For extra credit, let’s break out the low fat milk thing. It says, “If you are not building muscle, then full fat milk may be too much energy for your needs.” I drink whole milk, and I have been for almost two years. If the calories in/calories out theory was right, whole milk would be “too much energy” for my needs, and I would have gained weight. Oops. I didn’t.

Let’s go back to the title of this sign: “No Need to Cheat”. You know what? You’re right. I have no need to “cheat”, as if my relationship to food was some kind of monogamously jealous thing where food is going to sneak through my text messages and fly into a rage. I can just eat whatever the fuck I want to. Whew.

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