Your four year old has just punched his newborn brother in the face, or your eight year old has screamed “I hate you” and thrown a book at the wall, or your 14 year old has skipped school.
Before you is a fork in the road.
On the one path you’ll find yelling, spanking, grounding, time outs, bribes, pleading, whining, demanding, controlling, consequences, removing privileges, and lecturing.
What’s down the other path?
Positive parenting is the choice to walk down the other path.
Positive parenting focuses on building a joyful, cooperative, respectful relationship with your kids.
Positive parenting rejects old practices based on control, punishment, and fear.
Positive parenting fosters deep, committed relationships based on communication, love, and trust.
Positive parenting is not just a list of rules. It’s an attitude and a way of living that honors everyone in the family.
The Parenting With Connection ecourse is my crash course for parents ready to make an immediate and lasting change to a joyful, cooperative, respectful relationship with your kids. Learn more here about doing the work to become a positive parent.
Positive parenting is:
Positive parenting includes coming at your relationship from a few different directions.
Positive parenting brings immeasurable benefits to your life, your kids, your family, and your home. The greatest benefit is the secure attachment between you and your child. Children with secure attachments experience positive benefits to their brain development and their future relationships, among many other positive outcomes.
You get to experience being on the same side as your child. Many parent-child relationships are fraught with discord, resistance, resentment, and even hatred. That simply isn’t the way it has to be. You can build a relationship that shines with trust and care, joy and love, and a deep sense of belonging together.
If you’re still asking “yes, but what IS positive parenting?!” I’m glad to know that you want to know more! If you’re ready for a crash course NOW, you can start the eCourse Parenting With Connection right this minute. Or join us on the Parenting With Wild Abandon Facebook page for daily inspiration for positive parenting.
There’s a lot to learn, but you will never regret it. Having a cooperative, connected relationship with your child is absolutely attainable when you choose positive parenting.
It’s the middle of dinner-prep, or it’s the middle of the grocery store.
You saw it coming a mile away, or it came right out of the blue.
It’s the same tantrum that always happens, or it’s something inexplicably new.
Whatever the case may be, you have a toddler in meltdown mode. What now?
Here are 5 things NOT to do and what to do instead.
1. Don’t make it about you.
When your child has a meltdown, she is expressing big emotions that she has a right to feel. She is not manipulating you, challenging you, or punishing you. In fact, it may have nothing to do with you at all. Even if the meltdown seems like a response to something you did or didn’t do, your child’s emotions are all her own.
Don’t get defensive, don’t feel guilty, and don’t get angry. Focus your attention on your child in distress. She needs you now. It’s not about you.
2. Don’t get sucked in.
Your toddler needs you to be calm instead of angry, frantic, or confused. A toddler’s meltdown can be so BIG! Huge emotions come pouring out! And often the meltdown comes when you’re not feeling balanced yourself. You might feel your own emotions swell as you get pulled into the emotional vortex your child is creating. You might have the urge to yell back, to argue, or to sit down and have a cry yourself.
But you’re the bigger person here, and you can wait to fall apart until after you’ve cared for your child. She needs the safety of your strong, calm presence. Take a big breath and find your inner source of stillness. (And don’t forget to take that minute to fall apart later!)
3. Don’t belittle the feelings.
This situation matters to your child, whatever the cause may be. Toddlers’ problems are often seen as trivial. But what is happening for her is serious – it’s exactly as serious as it looks and sounds. A toddler in meltdown is a human in distress. Don’t mock her feelings, try to brush them off, or try to explain them away.
Instead, reach into what you know about life and about your child to find the place where you can empathize. For example, you might find that, yes, it is rather frustrating when you’re not allowed to buy what you want from the store. Or yes, sometimes it is heartbreaking when the person you most love is busy doing something else. You don’t have to say it out loud, but finding empathy within yourself will change how you see your child’s meltdown.
4. Don’t try to fix it.
An emotional meltdown can be stressful for anyone nearby, but resist the urge to try to make it stop. This sends the message that there’s something wrong with your child’s emotions. Your child may think there’s something wrong with themselves.
You might feel tempted to “give in” if you had been withholding something. You might want to try to distract your child with funny faces or a promise of something enjoyable. Even a focused effort to sooth your child may come off as trying to brush away the emotions. Your intentions are good! But remember that it’s okay to express big emotions, and they don’t always have to be fixed. They can just be.
5. Don’t walk away.
Given all these “don’ts”, you might have the urge to walk away until your child calms down. Don’t do that, either. Big emotions can be scary for toddlers. They need to know you can handle it and that you are a safe space to express these emotions. Stay nearby – in touching range, if possible. This closeness is valuable for your child, even if she doesn’t seem to appreciate it in the moment.
What CAN you do?
Let your child direct the end of the meltdown. She may hop right up and be ready for the next thing. She may relax into snuggling for a bit.
Be thankful that your toddler trusts you with her big feelings. Be thankful that you two can weather these storms together.
The Pareneting With Connection ecourse is my crash course for parents ready to make an immediate and lasting change to a joyful, cooperative, respectful relationship with your kids. Learn more here about doing the work to become a positive parent.
Trust me, I love hashtags. Hashtags bring people together on Instagram, and I use a ton of them!
I use hashtags related to my kid, hashtags related to my motherhood, and hashtags that connect the way we live our lives together.
But I just can’t bring myself to use the #boymom hashtag.
People are basically obsessed with the sex and/or gender of children. From the day you announce your pregnancy, everyone wants to know what genitals your child has. Which, let’s face it, is a little weird. Okay, a lot weird! Parents are unable to choose a name for their child without knowing the genitals. People can’t buy clothing or toys for the kid without knowing the child’s genitals. People plan on whether to have another child based on the genitals of the last one. It’s just a mess.
Because of all this anxiety and obsession over children’s sex and gender expression, I hate to add to the noise.
When I’m connecting with other parents, I can connect with parents of kids of any gender. There are no universal girl traits or boy traits. When I do connect with a parent experiencing something similar to me, it’s the experience that’s the same, not the gender of our children.
I use tons of hashtags on my Instagram. I use #unschooling, #homeschooling, #kidsoutside, and #peacefulparenting to describe fundamental parts of our lives.
I use #pinkhairdontcare, #fatpositive, and #momblogger to describe myself and my identity.
But my child’s gender is not fundamental to our lives.
My child’s gender is not part of my identity.
Gender is a box. It works for some people, I suppose, but I find it incredibly limiting. I’m not going to hang my identity on my child’s gender. I’m not going to box my child into a gender stereotype.
I am not a #boymom. Just mom will do, thanks.
