The Sunday to Forever: Dylan

The Sunday to Forever table of contents:

1. Acknowledgments
2. At Home
3. The Hospital
4. Dylan
5. Musings

During the c-section, I think I felt when they pulled Dylan out. It felt like my insides were being turned inside out.

Then I heard Dylan start wailing, and it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

Until that moment, I must not have thought this was really going to happen. I never really believed that somehow through these 5 years of struggle that I was going to end up with a live baby. But there he was screaming away. They moved him away to the far left corner of the room from where I was, and he cried the whole time. I felt a great arch of connection across the room between us. They were putting me back together and stitching me up, and I was laying there tied down, totally in ecstacy, bathed in the sound of him crying. Another disembodied head floated into my vision to tell me he was a pediatric doctor and my baby was perfect. I was crying and crying, with tears running down my head and filling up my ears.

Eventually Joshua came into my view, holding Dylan. I couldn’t move my arms, but I moved my hand to touch Dylan’s face and hold Joshua’s hand. And I kept crying and crying. I wasn’t in a hurry or wondering what would happen next. I just felt like I could lay there crying forever because everything was perfect now.

Dylan was born at 10:59am Tuesday morning, weighed 9 pounds 7 ounces, and was 21 inches long.

As I was being wheeled towards surgery, I had wondered if I would have a harder time bonding with Dylan because of the c-section. Then I thought back to my nanny experience, where I didn’t even meet the child until ou was weeks, months, or years old, and I never had any trouble bonding. There was no way I would struggle with that with Dylan. It was a comforting thought before his birth, and it was so, so true afterwards. He was perfect and I loved him from the first cry, the first glance, the first touch. I don’t specifically remember the first time I held him or the first time we tried breastfeeding, because the connection between us was forged in our crying together across the OR. Everything after that fell neatly into place.

We were in the hospital for two days, getting out Thursday evening. We had one strange pediatrician visit the next morning, and then we were out of “the system”. Everything since then has been sliding into our own rhythm at home, figuring out our new lives together. Someone in the hospital asked me if I was nervous about taking a new baby home. I replied that I’d been a nanny for 13 years and had gotten a new newborn every 2 years or so, so I wasn’t a bit nervous about the details of baby-care. That being said, Dylan has been an incredibly easy baby to care for. He’s really good-natured, easy-going, relaxed, and easy to read. Breastfeeding has been easy. At least a couple of times a day I can sleep for a 4 hour stretch. His moods and rhythm are pretty predictable. Every day is a joy, and just looking at Dylan is a joy.

Sometime during the hospital stay, I remembered that parents are always talking about watching their new babies breathe, and I realized I hadn’t had the urge to do that at all. Since I was having the thought, I looked over and checked his breathing, but I kind of laughed at parents who would do that regularly. It’s not like there’s any reason to worry or any reason to think that randomly checking for the rise and fall of his breath will help prevent anything.

I’ve been watching for his breathing ever since.

The Sunday to Forever table of contents:

1. Acknowledgments
2. At Home

3. The Hospital
4. Dylan
5. Musings

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