This Is The Moment

In February’s Baby Bellyaching, I mentioned an ad that was so offensive to me that it was going to get its own post. I finally got the multi-page ad scanned so I could post about it. The more I look at it, the less offensive it gets and the more my reaction is just astonishment. This ginormous FisherPrice ad is a whopping 8 PAGES LONG, so you know they must have something really important to sell you! Let the snark begin…

What moment is that, exactly? I’m on the edge of my seat.

Awww… the moment you fall in love with your new baby. Just look at you there snuggling with your tiny, precious baby. This ad is GREAT.

FisherPrice apparently utilizes a “play lab” and some “testing”, which is kind of scientific sounding for something as sweet as a baby, but then again, “you want everything that touches your newborn to be perfect” so they want to show you that they’re trying really hard. Okay, that’s fine.

Wait! Where did you go?! Why is that baby all alone in the middle of a contraption?! The “most snuggly way” to sooth your baby is to leave ou alone in a machine?! Are you kidding me? Oh, well, there’s a little rabbit there. That’s good. What the fuck.

OMG, it’s an even tinier baby alone in a contraption!! Somebody pick up that baby!! Adults make an appearance in the tiny little insets. The contraption lets you rock your baby without actually touching ou. Also, the contraption folds up for easy storage. Because that’s important.

ACK! It’s another baby all alone! Where the fuck are you? This contraption helps you “fill your home with love. Not lots of stuff.” Maybe the ad-guy picked the wrong picture to go with the copy. I don’t see any love here. Unless metal rods and purple dangly things are passing for love these days. I could’ve sworn that was “stuff”, but maybe the bright colors have confused me.

Another entirely alone baby. And the words here don’t make any sense at all. Babies are easy to clean. I mean, you do have to be in the same room as them in order to clean them, so maybe that’s where the mix-up is.

Holy shit! Some futuristic alien machine is trying to eat that baby!! You really need to get back in here!!

At this point, I reached the end of the ad. In confusion, I flipped back to the beginning to try to figure out what just happened.

“This is the moment when that tiny hand grasps your finger and holds your heart forever.” And really, your baby will have to settle for your “heart”, because your finger is about to be long gone.

“You want everything that touches your newborn to be perfect,” and apparently plastic and metal bars and vibrating/swinging/bouncing contraptions are what’s passing for perfect these days. Also BRIGHT COLORS. I mean, you wouldn’t want baby’s abandonment to be boring, now would you?!

And then for the next FIVE PAGES the central images contain NO PARENTS.

I know that I haven’t had my baby yet, and so clearly I have no idea what’s in store. I’ll tell you what, though. When I imagine “the moment” with my new baby, I imagine that I’m there.