This Week In Offensive Breakfast Cereal

I like Cheerios. I like Multi Grain Cheerios. Apparently, Multi Grain Cheerios doesn’t like me. Cheerios thinks that there should be less of me. They dislike me and how much of me there is so much that they’ve made it their slogan.

Multi Grain Cheerios: More grains. Less you!

That’s their slogan. With the exclamation mark and everything.

Here’s a recent ad:

My favorite part is where the neighbor is all like, “Ooh, whole grains?!” as if she’s never heard that eating whole grains is good for you. No, that’s not my favorite part. Because, seriously. Everyone has gotten the whole-grains-fruits-veggies message by now. My actual favorite part is how the ad starts with one woman checking out the ass of the other woman.

Like the ad, my box of insulting breakfast cereal makes a claim: “People who choose more whole grain tend to weight less than those who don’t.”

That may be accurate (I can’t tell; there isn’t a reference to back it up). But even if it is, Cheerios is clearly hoping that you’ll conclude that eating Cheerios will help you lose weight. And that’s what we call a correlation/causation error. Just because people who eat more whole grain tend to weigh less doesn’t mean that if you begin to eat more whole grains you will lose weight.

The back of my box of offensive Multi Grain Cheerios has a silhouette of a woman wearing Cheerio clothes. The full text is:

“I love looking my best. That’s why I lead a healthy lifestyle and make Multi Grain Cheerios cereal a part of my sensible diet. People who choose more whole grain tend to weigh less than those who don’t.

With 20 grams of whole grain and 110 lightly sweetened calories, Multi Grain Cheerios is a delicious way to help me look fabulous!

More Grains. LESS YOU!”

What a mess. They’ve taken “healthy lifestyle”, “sensible diet”, and eating whole grains and mixed it up with “looking my best” and weighing less.

As long as we’re just saying whatever comes to mind, let me say that Cheerios has not made me weigh any less. Cheerios is my most frequent breakfast food, and all those whole grains are not making less of me. I mean, I eat a lot more than 110 calories of them, because what the fuck? But surely it’s obvious that eating more whole grains would make me even skinnier! What’s that you say? It doesn’t? It’s almost like we’re not doing science here!!

How about this? How about when I want to look my fabulous best I put on my favorite dress and do my nails. And how about when you want to sell me a cereal you just sell me a cereal instead of trying to sell me some idiotic diet crap?