Wishing for Better Days Than Good Days and Bad Days
I just started seeing a new therapist this week. I haven’t had a therapist for a couple of years, but I’m not thrilled with how my Zoloft prescription is working. Until I’m done breastfeeding, I don’t want to try anything else, so therapy it is. Since I’ll be talking with someone regularly about the inner workings of my brain, I’ll probably want to share stuff here, too. I get value from reading other depression-related blogs and stories, so I like the idea of adding to mix. Is there anything you want to know about my mental health, mental health in general, or that you want to share about your mental health? This set of topics may become a regular feature here so let me know if you have something in mind.
I have bad days and good days. I used to have bad weeks and good weeks, but Zoloft helps. A bad day does not necessarily become a bad week. A bad week doesn’t become a bad month, and presumably 2008 won’t ever happen again.
Just bad days and good days.
Bad days have two forms. One is where I struggle all day to do something other than be depressed, and this is likely to make me really agitated and angry at myself for my failures. Two is where I give in to the dreariness, and that sucks because I sink so low.
Good days have two forms. One is where I am really hyped up, trying to DO ALL THE THINGS before my mood slips again, and I feel really frantic and like I’m falling further and further behind in a race where I’m unfamiliar with the track. Two is where I call it a good day just because it’s not a bad day. It’s just a day. But any day without the darkness is good.
I wish that I didn’t wake up in the morning wondering what kind of day it would be. I wish I didn’t go to sleep at night kind of afraid of how the next day will go. I wish I could better predict myself. I wish my days were more the same as each other instead of this awkward shuffle-step between different degrees of dissatisfaction.